Words We Could Never Find
by HolliePop
Summary: When Penny Valentine dies, it's up to Michael to remain strong for his team, but is the American witholding something deep. Please Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

**Words We Could Never Find**

**Chapter 1 – Memories**

**Okay! New story… For those of you who have read my story, 'Behind Closed Doors' (if not… I'd love you too ;) You'll know that I just want Michael to be happy! I wanted him to get with Penny, so when she died and Michael walked out of the morgue crying… I was gutted for him. So this story is going to be how he copes, or doesn't cope with the death of Penny Valentine. I hope you enjoy it and as always… **_**pleeeease**_** read and review! Hollie xxx**

'_I'm sorry Oliver; there was nothing I could do.'_

'_Nothing I could do.'_

'_Nothing.' _

Those words were playing over and over in Michael Spence's head. Over and over like a stuck record. Why didn't he stop her? He could have gone in instead. She wouldn't be dead then. He might have got out in time. Before the carriage collapsed and he could have gone back to the hospital with her. Instead of having to tell Oliver that his sister had died. He couldn't even look at her when she was in the morgue. He ran, like a scared little boy he ran away, not being able to face up to the fact that his colleague and his friend was dead. Michael's train of thought was disturbed by an e-mail that flashed up onto his screen.

"Damn it." Michael threw his head into his hands and let out a sob. "Not yet, just please, not yet." It was too soon, there was no chance that he could face up to filling in an incident form of how one of his team was killed whilst on a call out. He just couldn't do it. Not this soon.

"Mr Spence." Frieda's voice muffled through his mind. "Mr Spence, you are needed out here."

Michael swallowed down the rising guilt and sorrow back into the pit of his stomach, wiped the tears from his face and straightened his suit. "Yeah, I'm coming."

"Well hurry up, this man isn't going to start breathing again if you don't do something." Frieda's words escaped from her mouth before she had a chance to understand what it was she was saying. She noticed the hurt that had appeared in Michael's eyes and the failed attempt to mask it with some form of arrogance and authority. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"No, Dr Petrenko. It's fine, just don't… please." Michael spoke to his shoes. Unable to look up at the Ukrainian who had grown so close to the young doctor. He acknowledged the nod of acceptance that Frieda had thrown him, then he threw himself into his work, saving people. Trying somehow to make up for the fact that he was unable to save her. Ordinary sayings from grateful patients such as 'You're a lifesaver, Doc." "I owe you my life, Doctor." And "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you." Made the American's heart ache even more, making the thick, black guilt that was slithering through his body even thicker and even darker.

As Michael made his way around the Acute Admissions Unit, helping his patients, he couldn't help but think of the woman who would be behind him every step of the way, suggesting alternative treatments and answering each and every one of his questions with such precision you would have thought she had a textbook hidden away on her scrubs somewhere. He thought about how he would have to come into work every day and not have her beautiful red hair glistening under the harsh lights of the ward, her voice radiating around the rooms, and her smile, making his day feel that little bit better. But Michael had to face up to the fact sooner or later that she was never coming back and that all of those things would now be just a memory.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone! I am so sorry it's been so long since I updated a story! I think it's been 6 months! School's been hectic and I've had barely anytime for myself. I managed to get a quiet few minutes to finish this chapter! Thank you so much to those of you who still read my stories even though I haven't updated one in forever! As always reviews keep me writing so read and leave me a comment (: Hollie xxx**

**Words We Could Never Find**

**Chapter 2 - Flashbacks**

'**That's it now, there are no more casualties. Let's get back to Holby; they'll need all the extra hands they can get. Come on Frieda, Pen. Get in one of the ambulances, the paramedics might need you; I'll see y'all back on AAU.'**

_Michael had got back into the ambulance, without even as much as a glance behind his shoulder. He should have checked that Penny was behind him, or that she actually got into an ambulance. Instead she went to save somebody who the rest of the team had failed to see was trapped. That was just like Penny, always checking something again, she was so meticulous. Always double checking, always asking questions and forever questioning herself. In the week following her death, Michael didn't speak to anyone, not even Oliver. How could he? He reminded her too much of Penny. He still hadn't filled out the incident form and Hanssen was on his back about it. What would he even say?_

The American consultant hadn't slept since the day Penny died. He simply lay in the on call room, staring at the ceiling, and going down to the ward as and when he was needed. He hadn't gone home, hadn't seen his girls or left the hospital. He was on auto-pilot, simply doing the bare minimum to get by. His pager bleeping bought him out of his slump. "AAU. Now" was all it read.

'Great, just what I need.' Michael sighed. He grabbed his tracksuit jacket and made his way to the Acute Admissions Unit. He hadn't worn a proper suit, just his Holby tracksuit and converse. What was the point, they were only clothes, and who was he trying to impress with his smart clothes anyway?

As soon as he walked onto the ward, he could see Frieda on the other side of the ward, clambered on to a trolley over a patient, the patient wearing dark blue jeans and a scrub top. The junior doctor turned around and yelled at Michael, 'Here! Now!'

Michael, in his auto-pilot mode ran over to Frieda and before he'd even seen the patient he barked his orders, 'So, what do we got?'

Frieda stopped performing CPR for a second and stared deep into Michael's eyes. He noticed her usually perfect eyeliner was slightly smudged and her eyes were red as if she'd been crying. Michael could hardly bring himself to look down at the patient, but as he did his heart stopped. The patient had rope marks around his neck and the right side of his face. It was that very face that caused Michael to lose his words. He touched the hand of the patient and softly spoke, 'Valentine'.

Frieda too was lost for any real words, 'Help me, we can't lose him as well.'

Uncharacteristically, Michael ran. He just ran. Any other patient he would have done anything he could have to have saved them, but not this time, he ran, like a scared child he went to the only place he knew would be empty, the scrub cupboard. He sat under the window and sobbed, chest-wracking, blood-curdling sobs. The American was inconsolable while back on AAU Frieda was fighting for her friend's life. The Ukrainian junior doctor was pounding away on Oliver Valentine's chest, willing him to come back to her. He'd had all the adrenaline they could give him, now it was up to Frieda and Oliver. 'Come on, Ollie. She wouldn't have wanted this.' Frieda cried, tears falling down her cheeks, dragging eyeliner and mascara with them. 'Please! Don't do this to me!' Frieda's movements were becoming more erratic with every passing second, pounding harder and harder trying to get Oliver's heart started again. 'COME ON OLIVER!' Frieda screamed as blackened tears fell onto his body.

'It's been thirty minutes, Dr Petrenko. He's not responding.' The nurse said.

'HE WILL!' Frieda barked, then looked back down at Oliver. 'Ollie please, please don't!'

'I'm calling it, Frieda, you can stop now.' The nurse placed a hand on Frieda's back. 'Time of…'

'NO!' Freida screamed, then began mouth to mouth as the nurses took away the ventilator. Compressions, air, compressions, air. The ritual became desperate from the Ukrainian until the faintest 'bleep' from the heart monitor revealed that Oliver Valentine had come back to them. 'Don't ever give up on anybody. Never!'

The nurse stood in shock as Frieda climbed down off of the bed and slumped against the wall. Frieda didn't even stir when the nurses began the process of extubation, and Oliver coughed and retched as the tube was removed from his throat, the colour slowly returning to his cheeks as he began to breathe on his own again. 'Dr Petrenko?' the nurse spoke softly as Frieda gently began to cry once more.

'Leave me, please.' Frieda walked straight towards the doors of AAU and out of the hospital. Fresh air hit her tear-stained face and she ran round the side of the hospital. The pain and distress of what had just happened made her sick, as she threw up all of the hurt and heartache her head led to the only place that made her feel close to Penny, the scrub store room.

Walking down the long corridors to the store room gave Frieda time to think, she'd never seen Michael run away from a patient before, he'd even wanted to operate on his own daughter. What made Oliver so different? Why was it that she could stay and fight for Oliver's life when he couldn't? Tears began to fall once again as she saw the cupboard where she'd spent so long with her friend. Frieda could picture it in her head, Penny sat there below the window, smoking and face buried in a textbook, moaning about how Oliver was always 'daddy's special little boy.' All she did know, was that she had to find out why Michael ran away like he did… and why the store room door was open.

**That's all for now (: I like me a good ol' cliffhanger! Please review! Next update will be soon! I PROMISE! XXXX**


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